The Bible Makes A Lot More Sense If You Just Assume Jesus Is A Drunk Dude

Today on KFC Radio it was just me and Kevin, so we naturally got offensive as shit. If you fall somewhere between an Irish Catholic and a Native American then we probably said some shit today that pissed you the fuck off.

Which brings me to my headline: the bible makes a lot more sense if you picture Jesus as a drunk guy. It just does. The son of god running around, performing miracles and shit? That’s a difficult thing for the mind to process. But a drunk dude acting bizarre? That’s something we’ve all seen, and it’s something the disciples (Jesus’ bro-crew that always had the bouncers making them wait to get into the club) also saw.

For starters, Jesus just looks like a drunk. Scraggly beard, long hair, disheveled look… that’s drunk 101. How ’bout his blood alcohol content measuring at a whopping 100%? Not exactly evidence of sobriety. The fact that he bangs hookers? Drunk dude move. Then you’ve got the mood swings, flipping tables and swinging whips at people because he was mad at them/the party ran out of alcohol. Doesn’t some strange man touching blind people in the face then yelling “NOW YOU CAN SEE” as he runs off make a lot more sense if you assume he reeked of booze? The walking on water was just partying and doing the two step on a sand bar off in the distance. “My blood is wine and my body is bread” is some shit a drunk girl mumbles while sitting on a curb in torn leggings. It all checks out, people, I’m telling you.

Give it a listen and try to find a flaw in this argument. Let me know, but no negative comments.